Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
