Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
