Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
