yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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