Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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