Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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