I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
