bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize