He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Operation Purity has been aborted
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
