please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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