btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
