Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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