last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
