Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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