i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
