hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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