I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
