i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
