P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
