It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
