It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
