he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
