Your tits are I can't wait for
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
