We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
