Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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