just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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