i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
