Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He had one of those small greek statue penises
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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