your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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