Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
