did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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