Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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