Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
