spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
