I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
