her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
