JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
