It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
