I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
