You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
