So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
