Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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