just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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