he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
