His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
