Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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