Me. At least after what I've been through.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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