Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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