see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
