um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
