so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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