I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize