If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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